Mentally Unashamed

As a mother of four young girls, the last thing I wanted was to hurt them or change the way they viewed me. But no matter how much I tried to ignore it, my illness crept into our family.

I am a woman of faith. I have always known that I was made in the image of my Heavenly Father, but knowing and believing are sometimes two different things. As a young adolescent, I started to exhibit some unhealthy tendencies. Mental illness runs rampant in my family, so my parents wasted no time and got me into therapy while I was in middle school. By the time I was 12 years of age, I had already been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and was on medication to combat my symptoms.

There are a lot of stigmas and misinformation on this condition. When my psychiatrist told me that this was what I was struggling with I was terrified. Was I crazy? Was I ever going to be “normal”? Many people have secondary diagnosis’s that accompany Bipolar, I have been singularly diagnosed. According to the Mayo Clinc: Bipolar disorder, formerly called manic depression, is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression).

For years, I battled my inner demons. I kept fighting the desire to be “normal,” not wanting to take my medication because it made me feel numb. The lows were no fun, but if I am being honest, being manic made me feel a little bit like a super hero. I could accomplish anything. So when I was on a mood stabilizer I felt like I lost a bit of myself. Then I met Paul!

By the grace of God, my disorder went dormant. I got married, had my girls and for the most part was able to maintain an appearance of normalcy. Did I have a few blips….ABSOLUTELY! Can I look back in hindsight and realize that certain times I was manic….YES!!! But I could fake it, until I couldn’t anymore. Bipolar came back into my life like a raging lion.

I felt like a failure. I was not healed. God was not for me. I felt defeated. But with the help of my husband and my sweet friends I have started to realize that God will use this for His good. I am trying to find my way and realize that this disorder does not define me. But it is a part of me, and that is ok. I will be on medication for the rest of my life, but I am not a failure! God is for me. I have to accept that I have a disorder, and that It is not a limitation. It is something that helps me be more empathic and compassionate to others.

If you are struggling, know that you are not alone. The more we talk about it, the less people will look at us like we are broken. We are not broken, we are tough and we are loved.

I am praying for you!